The December Pull: Why We Overspend, Overcommit, and Seek Belonging During the Holidays

It’s December 10th.

You’ve already spent more than you planned. You’ve said yes to another holiday gathering even though you’re exhausted. You’re scrolling past images of perfect trees, coordinated outfits, and joyful family moments, and something in you feels behind.

What’s driving this isn’t a lack of discipline or willpower.
It’s a powerful mix of attachment needs, inherited family expectations, and the targeted messages of holiday culture.

December doesn’t just bring celebrations. It activates our desire to belong, to be seen as good or generous, to meet expectations, and to avoid disappointing the people we care about. When those needs come online, our choices are shaped by more than intention alone.

How Attachment and Family Systems Shape the Season

Attachment forms early. It’s not about blame or diagnosis. It’s about how closeness, safety, approval, and belonging were experienced in our families.

For some people, the holidays feel relatively spacious.

When the Holidays Feel Spacious

• relationships feel secure

• traditions feel flexible

• boundaries are respected

• love doesn’t need to be earned

• expectations are clear or minimal

For others, December brings a familiar kind of pressure.

When Old Family Systems Are Activated

• pressure to perform gratitude

• pressure to keep the peace

• pressure to host, give, or overextend

• pressure to meet unspoken expectations

• pressure to hold the family together

Even adults with their own homes, careers, and families often slip back into familiar roles: the responsible one, the giver, the organizer, the one who smooths tension or makes things “nice.”

This isn’t a personal failure.
It’s attachment meeting tradition.

Unmet Needs: When Emotional and Material Realities Collide

The holidays don’t just stir emotions. They also highlight material realities.

Rising costs.
Unequal access to resources.
The desire to give children what we didn’t have.
The fear of falling behind.

For many families (especially immigrant families and communities shaped by colonialism and capitalism) December has long meant stretching, sacrificing, and doing more with less. Survival and dignity often depended on appearing “okay,” even when resources were thin.

Emotional and material needs become tightly linked:

• wanting children to feel special

• wanting parents to feel proud

• wanting the holiday to feel meaningful

• wanting to look like we’re doing okay

These aren’t shallow wants. They’re rooted in care, history, and survival.

The Marketing Mirror: Why Holiday Ads Tap Our Need to Belong

Holiday marketing doesn’t just sell products. It reflects our longings back to us.

It quietly suggests:

• this is what good parents do

• this is how love is shown

• this is how you keep up

• this is how you belong

These messages land not because we’re easily influenced, but because they echo needs we already carry. December is when people are most emotionally open, reflective, and sensitive to comparison. Marketing is designed around that reality.

Often, what we’re buying isn’t the item itself, but the feeling we hope it will create: reassurance, closeness, pride, or relief.

Aspirations and Isolation: Why Influencers Offer Connection

This is also why influencers have such pull during the holidays.

They don’t just offer recommendations. They offer identity, validation, and a sense of community. When family dynamics feel complicated or traditions feel heavy, it makes sense to look elsewhere for connection.

Curated homes, routines, and lifestyles offer a temporary sense of belonging. Wanting that connection isn’t a flaw. It’s attachment doing what attachment does.

The Scarcity Trap: Why “Opportunity” Groups Peak in December

December is also peak season for MLMs and similar “opportunity” spaces.

They tend to show up when people are:

• financially stretched

• emotionally tired

• craving stability

• longing for hope or a fresh start

They rarely lead with numbers. They lead with belonging, encouragement, and identity.

“You’re not just joining a business.”
“You’re joining a family.”

I understand the pull of this personally.

In my early twenties, I was serving as an AmeriCorps VISTA member and had taken what felt like a vow of poverty. At the time, it felt principled. I was trying to escape the chaos of my life and the bar industry and build a life rooted in service and meaning. In hindsight, it was also a path far more accessible to people with financial safety nets than I had.

That holiday season, I went home broke and idealistic, and a childhood friend tried to recruit me into Primerica. I was angry. I recognized it as a pyramid scheme, and I remembered how, years earlier, I had almost joined Cutco when I was desperate for money.

I wasn’t going to do that again.

Instead of confronting him directly, I leaned hard into my service identity. I played a kind of secular Mother Teresa, explaining that I couldn’t possibly join because I was committed to a life of poverty and selfless service.

It was half resistance, half performance.

Looking back now, I can see the irony. The MLM pitch and my own devotion to sacrifice were two sides of the same coin. Both offered meaning. Both offered belonging. Both framed sacrifice as a virtue.

That realization came later. At the time, I was just trying to survive December with my values intact.

How Holiday Pressure Strains Family Dynamics

All of this plays out inside family systems.

Gift-giving becomes symbolic.
Spending becomes emotional.
Boundaries blur.
Old conflicts resurface.

Many people overspend or overgive not because they want to, but because they’re trying to preserve harmony, prove love, or avoid guilt.

December quietly asks many of us the same question:

“Am I doing enough?”

A Gentler Way to Be With This Season: Returning to Yourself

The goal isn’t to eliminate the pull of December, but to soften its grip. Awareness creates space.

The next time you feel the pressure rising, you might gently pause and ask yourself:

• What feeling am I hoping this will give me?

• Whose expectations am I responding to?

• Is this about connection, obligation, or both?

• Would I choose this if there were less pressure?

Answering honestly isn’t a judgment.
It’s an act of self-loyalty.

Looking Ahead

December makes visible what’s often operating quietly all year: the ways our choices are shaped by attachment, family systems, cultural expectations, and material realities.

Next month, this series will continue by looking more closely at family loyalty, emotional roles, and why the holidays activate patterns many of us thought we had outgrown. The very patterns many of us didn’t choose — but learned.

For now, gentleness matters.

Some of the needs showing up this month are old.
Some are deeply understandable.
And none of them make you weak.

They make you human.

Minimization as a Defense Mechanism: The Role of Cultural Resilience and Laughter in Health

In the realm of mental health and self-discovery, the concept of minimization as a defense mechanism holds a significant place. It serves as a coping strategy to deal with overwhelming emotions, traumas, and difficulties by downplaying their magnitude or impact on our lives. However, if we lean too deep into minimization we risk bypassing the experience of authentic emotion. This defense mechanism can have intricate relationships with our healing journey. How do we hold cultural resilience and laughter, acting as protective factors in our overall well-being; while honoring our truest, life shaping experiences, for the validity of what they are and what they brought up for us?

Personal Story: Finding Validation in the Journey of Therapy - After a Lifetime of Minimizing

On a personal note, my journey in therapy has been a quest for validation. I often find myself questioning the validity of my grievances, wondering if I am just being "dramatic" or exaggerating my struggles. As an adult, I've shared true stories of hardship with a touch of humor, only to be met with shocked expressions, particularly from individuals of a different cultural background. This reaction has always gotten under my skin.


Growing up, I come from a family that embodies resilience in the face of adversity. I was taught that life is never easy, we should always be grateful for what we have (in comparison to those with less), and we learned to navigate its challenges with laughter as our steadfast companion. In our culture, we believe that not everything needs to be approached with intense seriousness; sometimes, you have to laugh to lighten the burden of reality. Which is great!

Laughter can help with adversity by providing a temporary escape from stress, boosting mood, increasing resilience and fostering a sense of connection to others. It can serve as a coping mechanism, helping individuals to find moments of joy and levity even in difficult situations; thereby improving their overall emotional wel- being and ability to navigate challenges.

While laughter and humor can provide temporary relief and help individuals cope with adversity, it’s important to acknowledge that they are not a substitute for addressing underlying pain or serious issues. We need to feel so that we can heal.

Unpacking Minimization: Unveiling the Root Cause

Over time, I have come to a profound realization: I have been minimizing real and profound struggles in my life. But why? This introspective journey has led me to understand that my tendency to downplay the gravity of my experiences stems from a deep-seated need to protect myself from the overwhelming emotions that accompany them. By making light of difficult situations, I inadvertently shield myself from confronting their true impact on my well-being.

Cultural Influences on Minimization

The cultural lens through which we perceive and navigate the world plays a pivotal role in shaping our defense mechanisms. In some cultural contexts, there exists a collective belief in the power of resilience and laughter as tools for survival. However, this cultural resilience can sometimes manifest as minimization, leading individuals to overlook the gravity of their struggles in an effort to maintain a sense of control and composure. This hyper-independent super power is by design. It helps us fall into place.

The truth is:

We CAN and we SHOULD laugh, it’s great medicine for our souls. Though, not at the expense of FEELING every wound, gift, loss, doubt. Our TRUTH matters. Every experience should be felt and each emotion should move through you.

Embracing Vulnerability and Seeking Authenticity

As I continue to unravel the complexities of minimization in my own life, I am learning to embrace vulnerability and seek authenticity in my experiences. It is essential to recognize that acknowledging the true weight of our struggles does not diminish our strength; rather, it empowers us to face our challenges with courage and honesty.

The interplay between minimization as a defense mechanism, cultural resilience, and the healing power of laughter is a complex and multifaceted one. By delving into the root causes of our coping strategies and embracing vulnerability, we pave the way for genuine self-discovery and emotional growth. Remember, it is okay to confront the depth of your emotions and experiences – for it is in this raw authenticity that true healing and resilience can flourish.