Decolonizing Mental Health: Breaking the Chains of Perfectionism in Parenting
In today's fast-paced, achievement-oriented society, parents often find themselves under immense pressure to be the perfect parent. We strive to limit screen time, be actively involved in our children's lives, work full time, and ensure they excel in every aspect of their lives. However, in my journey towards decolonized mental health, I have come to the realization that this pursuit of perfectionism is detrimental to both my well-being and that of my children. Instead of performing parenthood through unrealistic standards, I’ve shifted my focus toward raising grounded, emotionally aware critical thinkers and breaking the generational patterns that keep us stuck.
1) Embracing Imperfection:
As parents, we are bombarded with messages that suggest we should constantly strive for perfection. We are made to believe that our children's success and happiness depend on us being the ideal parent. However, this unattainable standard only leads to immense stress and anxiety, both for ourselves and our children. It is crucial to recognize that perfectionism is a colonial construct, rooted in oppressive systems that prioritize conformity and productivity. When we name perfectionism as a tool of social control, not a personal failing, we are better able to release it and reclaim our humanity.
2) Minimizing Anxiety:
(I know. It’s easier said than done.)
In our quest for perfection, we often inadvertently pass on our anxieties to our children. Children are perceptive beings who absorb the stress and pressure around them. By constantly pushing them to excel in every area of their lives, we unintentionally contribute to their anxiety and feelings of inadequacy. Recognizing this, I have chosen to prioritize my own mental health and that of my children by creating a nurturing environment that encourages self-expression, exploration, and personal growth rather than rigid achievement. Regulation in the home begins with the adults—we become the nervous system our children borrow.
3) Redefining Success:
Society often measures success through academic achievements, sports prowess, artistic talent, and other external markers. However, I've learned that true success lies in raising critical thinkers who challenge societal norms and systems. In a world shaped by inequity, teaching children to question, analyze, and make meaning is more protective than any resume of accomplishments .By nurturing their curiosity, encouraging independent thought, and fostering a love for learning, we can empower our children to question and dismantle the flawed systems that perpetuate inequality.
4) Grace over Perfection:
One of the key aspects of decolonized mental health is allowing ourselves and our children grace. We need to recognize that we are products of generations of colonization, and unlearning deeply embedded beliefs and patterns takes time and patience. Grace allows room for repair, humanity, and rest. Things perfectionism never offers. Instead of stressing over every little detail, I have chosen to prioritize self-compassion and allow room for mistakes and growth and emotional authenticity
5) Food and Snacks- A Balanced Approach:
Another area where the pressure to be a perfect parent can manifest is in the realm of food and snacks. We are bombarded with messages about the importance of healthy eating, organic foods, and the dangers of processed snacks. While it is essential to provide our children with nourishing meals, it is equally important not to become consumed by food-related anxieties. Instead of obsessing over every ingredient or feeling guilty about the occasional indulgence, I have learned to adopt a balanced approach. By providing a variety of nutritious options while also allowing treats ( no Switch Witch, here!), I am teaching my children the importance of listening to their bodies and cultivating a healthy relationship with food.
6) Breaking Generational Patterns:
Decolonizing mental health involves recognizing and breaking free from generational patterns that have been passed down to us. These patterns can include us leaning into some of our less preferred (or socially approved) coping mechanisms, “toxic“ behaviors, and limiting beliefs. By prioritizing our mental well-being and consciously choosing to challenge these patterns, we can create a healthier and more supportive environment for ourselves and our children. Breaking free from these patterns is not only liberating for us but also paves the way for future generations to thrive and embrace their true selves.
7) Supporting Critical Thinking:
Rather than pushing our children to excel in every aspect of their lives, we can prioritize their development as critical thinkers. This means encouraging them to question norms, examine power, and think independently. Critical thinking is not defiance—it’s an act of liberation. By fostering curiosity and open dialogue, we empower our children to participate in building a more equitable and just world.
Decolonizing mental health in the context of parenting requires us to let go of the pressure to be perfect and instead prioritize our well-being and that of our children. By embracing imperfection, minimizing anxiety, redefining success, allowing grace, adopting a balanced approach to food, breaking generational patterns, and nurturing critical thinking, we create a more empowering environment for the next generation. Parenting becomes not a performance, but a practice; one rooted in liberation, humanity, and wholeness.
