What We’re Told, What We Believe, and What We Choose

Introducing My New Blog Series

When I was about twenty-two, a childhood friend once asked me:

“Do you believe in free will?”

“Of course,” I said.

At the time, I was newly out from under strict religious parents and doing whatever I wanted, even when the consequences were messy. I believed every choice was mine.

She shook her head.

“There is no such thing. We are conditioned […] Well, I have a master’s. I know.”” she said, as if the degree had granted her ownership of truth.

Her comment hit a tender spot. It touched my shame about not having a degree yet, and it carried the implication that she understood something I didn’t. Here is what I understand now:

She was right about free will being shaped by conditioning.
She was wrong about me being unaware of it.

Even then, I already sensed that our choices were shaped by the environments we grew up in. I had watched conditioning play out in our community, in our church, and in our families. Sometimes I felt like I was the only one who noticed. What I did not have yet was the language or confidence to describe what I saw.

Now I do have a master’s, and years of experience with people across many systems. All of it confirmed what I knew intuitively:

We do not only inherit trauma. We inherit stories about who we are allowed to be.

Stories about what we owe, when to stay quiet, how we should show gratitude, and what we must sacrifice to keep the peace. Stories about identity, loyalty, limits, and possibility. These private stories often mirror the larger cultural stories we are taught.

These inherited stories don’t just show up on families. They show up nationally, too. Which brings me to Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving is one of the clearest examples of this kind of inherited narrative.

Most of us grew up with the school-friendly version: Pilgrims and Native Americans sharing a peaceful meal, unity, gratitude, and a simple origin story.

The real history is far more painful.
Yet the softened version is the one repeated, celebrated, and taught to children until it becomes unquestioned.

This is how conditioning works.
Quiet.
Familiar.
Comfortable enough that we do not pause to examine it.

The stories we inherit in families, culture, religion, politics, and even therapy function in a very similar way.

Why I am Writing This Series

In every setting I have worked in, including therapy, anti-trafficking work, juvenile justice, immigrant communities, spiritual trauma, child welfare, and national trainings, people name the same feelings again and again:

“I feel trapped.”
“I do not know how to leave.”
“I keep choosing the same thing.”
“I feel guilty taking care of myself.”
“I do not know whose expectations I am living for.”

People often believe they are making fully free choices.
In reality, they are responding to the stories they were handed long before they could understand them.

This series is about those stories.
The ones we grow up with.
The ones we carry.
The ones we question.
The ones we eventually outgrow.

Next Month’s Post

In December, I will be exploring one of the loudest and most universal forms of modern conditioning: holiday consumer culture, advertisements, influencers, and MLMs.

These systems shape our decisions in ways that feel personal but are actually designed.

As we move through this holiday season, I hope you approach your inherited stories with gentleness.

Some of them protected you.
Some of them restricted you.
And some of them are finally ready to be rewritten.

This series is my way of walking through that process with you.

Decolonizing Mental Health: Breaking the Chains of Perfectionism in Parenting

In today's fast-paced, achievement-oriented society, parents often find themselves under immense pressure to be the perfect parent. We strive to limit screen time, be actively involved in our children's lives, work full time, and ensure they excel in every aspect of their lives. However, in my journey towards decolonized mental health, I have come to the realization that this pursuit of perfectionism is detrimental to both my well-being and that of my children. Instead of performing parenthood through unrealistic standards, I’ve shifted my focus toward raising grounded, emotionally aware critical thinkers and breaking the generational patterns that keep us stuck.

1) Embracing Imperfection:

As parents, we are bombarded with messages that suggest we should constantly strive for perfection. We are made to believe that our children's success and happiness depend on us being the ideal parent. However, this unattainable standard only leads to immense stress and anxiety, both for ourselves and our children. It is crucial to recognize that perfectionism is a colonial construct, rooted in oppressive systems that prioritize conformity and productivity. When we name perfectionism as a tool of social control, not a personal failing, we are better able to release it and reclaim our humanity.

2) Minimizing Anxiety:
(I know. It’s easier said than done.)

In our quest for perfection, we often inadvertently pass on our anxieties to our children. Children are perceptive beings who absorb the stress and pressure around them. By constantly pushing them to excel in every area of their lives, we unintentionally contribute to their anxiety and feelings of inadequacy. Recognizing this, I have chosen to prioritize my own mental health and that of my children by creating a nurturing environment that encourages self-expression, exploration, and personal growth rather than rigid achievement. Regulation in the home begins with the adults—we become the nervous system our children borrow.

3) Redefining Success:

Society often measures success through academic achievements, sports prowess, artistic talent, and other external markers. However, I've learned that true success lies in raising critical thinkers who challenge societal norms and systems. In a world shaped by inequity, teaching children to question, analyze, and make meaning is more protective than any resume of accomplishments .By nurturing their curiosity, encouraging independent thought, and fostering a love for learning, we can empower our children to question and dismantle the flawed systems that perpetuate inequality.

4) Grace over Perfection:

One of the key aspects of decolonized mental health is allowing ourselves and our children grace. We need to recognize that we are products of generations of colonization, and unlearning deeply embedded beliefs and patterns takes time and patience. Grace allows room for repair, humanity, and rest. Things perfectionism never offers. Instead of stressing over every little detail, I have chosen to prioritize self-compassion and allow room for mistakes and growth and emotional authenticity

5) Food and Snacks- A Balanced Approach:

Another area where the pressure to be a perfect parent can manifest is in the realm of food and snacks. We are bombarded with messages about the importance of healthy eating, organic foods, and the dangers of processed snacks. While it is essential to provide our children with nourishing meals, it is equally important not to become consumed by food-related anxieties. Instead of obsessing over every ingredient or feeling guilty about the occasional indulgence, I have learned to adopt a balanced approach. By providing a variety of nutritious options while also allowing treats ( no Switch Witch, here!), I am teaching my children the importance of listening to their bodies and cultivating a healthy relationship with food.

6) Breaking Generational Patterns:

Decolonizing mental health involves recognizing and breaking free from generational patterns that have been passed down to us. These patterns can include us leaning into some of our less preferred (or socially approved) coping mechanisms, “toxic“ behaviors, and limiting beliefs. By prioritizing our mental well-being and consciously choosing to challenge these patterns, we can create a healthier and more supportive environment for ourselves and our children. Breaking free from these patterns is not only liberating for us but also paves the way for future generations to thrive and embrace their true selves.

7) Supporting Critical Thinking:

Rather than pushing our children to excel in every aspect of their lives, we can prioritize their development as critical thinkers. This means encouraging them to question norms, examine power, and think independently. Critical thinking is not defiance—it’s an act of liberation. By fostering curiosity and open dialogue, we empower our children to participate in building a more equitable and just world.

Decolonizing mental health in the context of parenting requires us to let go of the pressure to be perfect and instead prioritize our well-being and that of our children. By embracing imperfection, minimizing anxiety, redefining success, allowing grace, adopting a balanced approach to food, breaking generational patterns, and nurturing critical thinking, we create a more empowering environment for the next generation. Parenting becomes not a performance, but a practice; one rooted in liberation, humanity, and wholeness.